Learning to love urself! ;)

denzal27's Blog

It’s been a long haul but at 40 years old I would say that I have made progress in liking myself! I have always been thin and had a love/hate relationship with myself. Amazing how things from so long ago can still hold power over you. About 14 years ago a bully once said to me “you have a girls body, small and weak i would hate a body like that”. I then felt ashamed and not very manly. So some of self injury was cutting my arms and legs as I felt they were weak. I now have a much better relationship with my body but I still have feelings of wanting to not eat much so my arms and legs get thinner and then making me fell weaker and small. It all ties in with abusing myself and getting pleasure out if this, it’s a very strange coping…

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Self injury and body illusions

Hi again, I just felt like writing so I am sharing some thoughts. I self injured for around 10 years and haven’t cut myself for around 4 years now! I used to do a lot of it when I felt low about myself. Silly things like if I thought I didn’t say bye to someone in the right way when I got home I would start thinking about it and in the end I would be overwhelmed with thoughts of guilt and I then would cut my arms and legs as a way of punishing myself. I also having thin arms and legs and I didn’t think I was very “manley” so that was tied in too. Most of the cutting was punishing myself. I don’t know why I don’t do it anymore I still get the emotions and urges but when I look at old scars that would be enough to satisfies the urges. My self esteem is better now too I have learned to love myself a bit more. The other one which ties in is losing weight. I still am obsessed with losing weight, I wanna get thinner and thinner. The more bones I can see the happier I am. Strange I have ways had a love/hate relationship with myself. It’s like I am punishing myself and denying my self food so my arms and legs get thinner therefore making me weaker and thinner and so on its a downward spital. I need to be happy with who I am and what I look like, I can’t be anyone else! The destructive feelings about myself come from low self esteem and not feeling much worth. I am learning and dealing with my emotions better now and can spot negative feelings about myself and deal with them, trouble is I enjoy them. Well feel better for sharing this I have gone through it with myself and I can see what needs to change! Feel free to comment if u can relate to any of this stuff’ 😉

Stop fox hunting!

Hi, i have started a petetion against fox huunting becoming legal again. When i was 9ish i went on one as my mum had a horse. We was in a landrover and followed. The hound caught a fox and it was so bad i ran out the landrover and started shouting at the dogs, “stop stop kill it put it out its misery!”. My mum then haf to take me home as i was distrought. The dogs were playing with the foxes and it was trying to hobble of as back legs were broke the scream perciced my ears and soul, i hated animal cruelty ever since. Its no better than dog fighting and badger baiting the fox certainly didn’t die quickly thats why i want to get as many signutures for my petetion which is going to David Cameron if i get enough? Thanks for taking time to read this and please sign for the foxes at https://www.change.org/p/david-cameron-stop-barbaric-fox-hunting-becoming-legal?recruiter=46591713&utm_source=share_petition&utm_medium=copylink

Ghostly sleep paralysis again.

denzal27's Blog

Hi i just wanted to write a small piece as i had a Bad case of sleep paralysis last night and want to see if anyone else has had anything similar? I was falling asleep when i started hearing bangs and then all of a sudden my bedroom door flu open and a shadowy flash flew by me and i felt a breeze go over me. I then tried to move and sit up to see what it was, but was in the paralysis state and couldn’t move. I wanted to shout out “hey u don’t scare me!” But my lips wouldn’t move and any part off me. My breathing became heavy and was breathing through my mouth which felt uncomfortable! After ever breathe i try and move but my body is like lead, its like and am being held down and my blood has turned to concrete after about…

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A temp relief from sleep paraysis

Hi again, I have had sleep paralysis a lot in the last few years every 2 nights. I truly believe it is caused by a irregular sleep pattern. When I manage to snap out of a episode I have found that if I go to the bathroom and splash water on my face and wake up totally then when I go back to bed it doesn’t happen again and I go to sleep normally. It seems to happen when I am failing asleep only although some people can have it happen apon waking. Give it a try it works for me although I can’t stop it happening in the first place. hope this can be helpful thanks Denny, please feel free to reply.

Sanctioned for being a job searcher

Hi, needed to right a blog about the state of jsa (job seekers allowance in uk). When you attend the work program you are under presure to complete so many jobs a day or you risk losing your benefits and then your flat. Surely its better to spend a hour properly applying to a job you want, righting a good cv and cover letter tailered to the job, instead of just clicking on jobs applying half heartedly so you don’t get sanctioned. The while system is crap, its tailored to meeting targets, and not to helping the person get work in the field they work in. The tory partys attidude if you can breathe you can work is so wrong, never taking into account mental health. The work program isn’t aimed at finding you work it is aimed at meeting targets and sadtistics. Has anyone else had any experences of the work program? Please share, thanks Denny. 

Work program and subetex part 2

Hi, I wanted to write a small piece as I felt this is important. I became a heroin addict sadly and I know it’s not mental health but it is a bit. Anyway I went into a residential rehab for 11 months and I came off the heroin and was put on methadone. I know people think we are all a waste of space but I was on the methadone program and after leaving the rehab I switched to subutex which I am still on. I haven’t used heroin since the last time before rehab. I do want to go back to work and turn my life around. When Atos came in I had to go for a medical. I was no longer eligible for incapacity benefits and was put on job seekers allowance. The job centre is now forcing me to apply for jobs that aren’t right for me. I believe that I should easy myself back into work and only when I am off the heroin substitutes. What’s the point in me getting a job I am not ready for and then lose it and end up back on benefits. They are blackmailing me into taking any job or I lose my benefits and then my flat. How can I work with no where to live? If I got of the subutex and found a job that was right for me the chances are I will stay in it longer, where as if I am shoved into the deep end to fast I won’t be ready. All the Tory’s want to do is get me in a job so they can balance the sheets up irrespective if the job is right for me. I feel that they don’t care about people’s life’s they just want to balance the sheets up. People have killed themselves because they have been forced into work when there not ready. The Tory’s attitude of if you can breathe you can work if wrong. They never look at mental health only physical health. You spend more time proving your looking for work than you do looking for work. I believe that they are forcing me into work too soon after being in recovery and rehab, it’s a big strain and had been getting me really down lately. Saying I have to take jobs in another town or I get sanctioned it’s blackmail. I want to do all I can to get benefits more fairer for people with mental health and drink/drug issues so that it’s not just work work work work. They look at how a job will effect your life not how it effects the country. IDS and co are being really unfair to millions on benefits and it’s time to vote the out. Please let me know how I can get more involved in pushing for fairer benefits for all is I feel passionate about it. Thanks.
Denny.

Sent by Denny Johnson

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